It’s been a few weeks since I last wrote and it has been a deliberate decision. I’ve had a difficult time lately and knowing how to explain how I feel without sounding melodramatic can be hard. After a weeks holiday (well my husband took a week off work and we had some lovely day trips) and with some time to think things over, I’m ready. Please don’t be mistaken that I’m looking for sympathy, just understanding and for those reading this that are going through kidney failure or those about to or those that have already gone through it, I’m sure you will relate to what I’m about to write.
Life is good, in fact it’s great. Why did I never acknowledge that before? Being able to get out of bed and plough through a working day then have an evening of indulging in whatever takes your fancy and then doing it all over again without a care in the world, subconciously pushing your body to extremes over and over again, instant recovery and joy…oh I know why, because I haven’t ever been able to do that. And, it’s only now after twenty two years of diabetes, nine months on dialysis and ten months on the Transplant List that it hits me. I haven’t lived, not properly and just the thought of it fills me with sadness, anger, jealousy and resentment. For those that know me will know that negativity isn’t something that I do, but deep down it’s always been there. Buried underneath my ‘can do’ attitude, my positive facade and my will to succeed is a deep disappointment with the hand I’ve been played. A glimpse of a beautiful sunset, family time or the first blooms on a trying plant help to suppress my dark side, to keep it at bay but at some point these feelings need to be addressed. Mine have surfaced and need to be dealt with, be accepted as ok, so here I am about to explain how it feels, well try to anyway…
Social media is a wonderful thing and has kept me entertained for many hours; hilarious clips of pranks, talking dogs or incredibly cute pandas who actually look like humans in fluffy suits are all a pleasure to watch when they appear on your news feed posted by a friend (normally my husband) however it is also a massive billboard for all those things you’re missing out on:
Banging nights out – nope, they are long gone, involves too much fluid and I’m not sure I can stay awake that late. Plus doing dialysis with a hangover is awful. I tried it once, not good, won’t be doing that again in a hurry.
Globetrotting – being on dialysis doesn’t mean I can’t travel, I can but I have to be suspended from the Transplant List and that’s not something I’m prepared to do now that I’m ten months in. Even if I did, I’m not sure I’d have the energy to fully enjoy myself.
Children – right now all my friends are having babies and while I have never been lucky enough, being on dialysis, diabetic and with a transplant ahead of me, as heartbreaking as it is, it’s not a risk we’re prepared to take which might mean never and for me that’s a dream shattered. Instead I’ll just get more cats, they can entertain themselves whilst I’m plugged in and they make less noise, maybe it’s a blessing?!?
Dieting – I don’t have time for that nor the inclination to be miserable all the time. Healthy chocolate alternatives and milkshakes full of fairy dust aren’t for me. Especially when it’s not even on Doctors orders. Grabbing something that I can eat one handed, won’t add on extra fluid or raise my potassium levels whilst increasing the amount of iron I have stored and that is a slow releasing carbohydrate is enough for me to deal with. Eat less, exercise more and be happy doing it, simples!
All in all, people’s lives are thrust in front of us on a daily basis: magazines, TV, post and the web. Beautiful images, celebrations and words of inspiration copied and pasted or ‘shared’. I love seeing how my friends and family are doing, joyous milestones in their lives, all of which my ‘dark side’ doesn’t want to see. It can’t bear the freedom others have, openly and honestly jealous. To ‘It’ it’s abnormal, fiction, a far off dream. A dream that can’t be reached, not now, maybe never. It also gets very upset that some choose to pull the cloud of sadness upon themselves, can’t take responsibility for their own lives and most of all those that are bored. Not even I can get bored sitting plugged into a machine for four hours three times a week.
But this is not me, this is the inner me talking, the me I know needs to be silenced. I know that I won’t see the world in this light for long; some point in the near future the dark haze will be lifted and I will be one of those taking a selfie on the top of a mountain with a glass of vino in hand. It won’t be long and I’ll be doing the things that every thirty three year old woman should be doing. For now be understanding as I’m going to need to let these emotions out now I know they are there, an honest part of me, a part I can no longer hide. Please give me hugs when you see my bottom lip quiver or hold out your hand when I stumble and for those going through the same, know that it’s ok to feel this way.
My future however will be awesome, beware and remember, as I do, life is great!
Diaries of Lea 
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Hi Leah. It’s Imran….the one who was once part of the awesome team we had in the Tarver Unit at the beginning of the year.
From the very first moment me and my late beloved mother Hanifa met you when you walked into the ward you exubed so much self confidence and “can do” attitude and reading your blog it”s pretty clear to me that you still have that in abundance. You are an inspiration to both yourself and to all others around you my dear and of course you will and should have moments that you have so eloquently put in your last post.
I pray from the bottom of my heart that in the very near future you get the opportunity to fulfill all your goals and ambitions in life Leah.
You truly deserve to.
Although I have never had dialysis or kidney failure the 3 years I spent on that ward day in day out I felt and witnessed pure courage will power and determination from every single patient and it’s a huge testimont to you all the way you go about your lives. The jokes the laughs the chatter the love was unprecedented. Even mum used to laugh sometimes when she understood what was going on 🙂
Leah you are a very very brave and ever so lovely human being. You will come out of all this with so much more determination than ever and once you do, as promised we will go and do those bottles of Grey Goose OK x ?
Shed loads of love your way Leah and if ever you about in Oxford give me a call and we will meet up.
Imran xxxx
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Hi Imran, such lovely words from a great man.
We visited the ward last week and it’s not the same although Tony and Francis were on form.
Thank you for your kind words and can’t wait to get our ‘Grey Goose’ on.
Leá x
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Hello Lea, I saw your link to this blog post on the Chronic Kidney Disease Awareness Facebook page. I to have Kidney Disease and have been on both types of dialysis haemodialysis and peritoneal. Heamo was a line put in my neck as my kidney function crashed from 16% to 5% so it was the only choice I had to keep me alive. I have been on Peritoneal Dialysis since June 2015. I know how hard life can be and how hard it is to tell someone how you feel when they haven’t any clue. Its good to know that their is a support system out there even if its a group of strangers, it still helps. I to blog at http://www.wordpress.com/sabrinadawnworld feel free to take a look if you get the time.
I know how much it hurts to know you may never be able to have children whilst others carelessly have babies here there and everywhere. In my previous relationship I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks, the baby was planned and wanted but unfortunately I lost that chance to hold that baby alive and well in my hands. That relationship failed however I never thought I would be faced with my chances being forever taken away. I have been told if I got pregnant now it could kill me or kill the baby or even both, which I am sure you know this. I will be completely heartbroken if I never get the chance to be a Mummy. At 26 years old many of my friends have had children, they don’t realise how precious the opportunity to become a mother is, many take it for granted.
I am always here to help others days a little brighter, even if my own day is dark. I also have an email Sabrina_Dawn@outlook.com if you wanted to get in contact.
I have followed your blog and have kept it in my bookmarks. Hope to hear from you.
Best Wishes
Sabrina
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Love that you can express how you feel so eloquently when people who have trivial issues to wine about do so in an aggressive way. You have every right to share your emotions, and wish we could all do that without fear of how it’s received. It might be some time since we last met, but believe me, you have some big virtual hugs winging there way from the pennines and they’ll keep coming as long as you need them. Oh, and cats are great xxx
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Thanks Sharon, I just write honestly. And the cats are helping me through x
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You truely are an inspiration.
I pray you get a transplant soon.
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Thank you for putting into words how you feel. My body crashing recently has left me wondering who I am anymore. Starting dialysis with a tube in my chest, praying that my cousin will be able to be my donor or wondering whether my journey with dialysis is just beginning. Lots of emotions going on with me. I appreciate hearing your story and can relate to how you feel. Once again, thank you.
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“U are only but human” it is easy to say I don’t know what I would do if I was in your situation but I’m pretty sure all those emotions you are experiencing now, I would not have been able to keep them in this long. You are such a strong woman and I am keeping everything crossed for a doner soon. You soo deserve the life you feel your missing out on. Xxxx
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I was expecting more recipes! 🙂
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Leah, you are one of the mist inspirational people I know and I am so lucky to call you my friend.. If you ever need a hug either by myself or Gypsx.. But you’ll get sloppy kisses too, from Gyps I hasten to add.. Then you know where we are.. I wish more people could be as eloquent and brave as you.. Much much love Lisa xxx
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You are beautiful and hugs will ever be forthcoming 💕💕💕
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