Anyone else wanted something so much that they’ve prayed for something bad to happen to somebody else…? Because that’s what it’s like when you’re on the Transplant List. You say goodnight, check your phone volume is set to loud and then wish for some kind soul with the same tissue type as you to pass away so you can live again. It’s not nice and I’m not proud but when you’re life is on hold that’s just the way it is.

I’ve been on ‘The List’ for eight months now and my phone has been strapped to me the whole time. On one particular day it rang with a ‘no caller ID’ when I was at work and unprepared. I answered and was told it was the Transplant Team who were calling because they wanted me to be back up to a transplant that was taking place this evening. I dashed into the nearest meeting room and called my husband; on the fourth attempt he answered and immediately made his way to me. He was in Cardiff, I was in Oxford but he needed to be there, I couldn’t do this alone. I rang my family and explained the situation and off I went.

I got to the ward and was ushered into what looked like a cupboard, my waiting room for the next 12 hours. My husband hadn’t arrived yet but I was already out of my work gear and in “this season’s” hospital gown and was being whisked down for an X-ray of my chest, just the start of many tests to come. Although just a ‘back up’ you’re prepped as if you are going down for surgery. I went through all the necessary tests and spoke to the surgeons and anaesthetist. The whole time I reminded myself that this wasn’t my turn and that I was only there just in case there was a problem with the Primary Recipient. It didn’t stop me wishing the organs would come my way though!

The organs were small and the donor had an infection when they passed away. I was asked ‘should the organs come my way would I still accept them?’ They already had the antibiotics to give at the point of plumbing.  It was a good question, I didn’t know. I have trusted the NHS with my health since being diagnosed as Type 1 Diabetic twenty years ago; I didn’t have any reason to question their ability to keep me safe but when it’s your chance at living a normal life again then perfection is what you want to hear not ‘possible risk’.

The organs arrived in a white cool box, brought in by a paramedic and were handed over with great care. To be honest to the normal eye he looked like a pizza delivery man handing over a special order but not to me. I was waiting for this amazing gift to be on the premises, increasing my chances and making the time until I would know my fate arrive sooner. The ‘cupboard’ was starting to feel cramped but we managed to kill time with countless episodes of the X-Factor auditions on YouTube and the time flew by. Midnight arrived and the activity on the ward outside my door increased and my door was pulled shut as they took the Primary down for their life changing surgery. After ten minutes the nurse asked me to stay until the procedure was underway. ‘Of course’ I replied. There was still a chance the organs could come my way, I wasn’t going anywhere, we settled back down to Simon Cowell and a dancing dog.

Another half an hour passed and I was asked by the surgeons to stay a bit longer. What does that mean? Was there a problem? Maybe the organs don’t fit????? It’s really hard to keep yourself from overthinking but by this point I was too tired. At four o’clock I was told that I was no longer needed and that I could go home. Just like that the nurse removed my cannula and told me I could leave. I’m not sure what I was expecting but it wasn’t this. A thank you maybe or a leaflet to take away telling me how I was going to process what had just gone on and the number of someone to call when I wake the following morning and can’t stop crying… We headed to the nearest 24hr McDonalds before the journey home.

The following morning was the hardest for me, I needed to dialyse; the harshest reminder of what I had been through the night before. My Dad came for dinner and with a hug that normally takes away the pain I realised that only time would make me feel better. Who was I kidding that I was ok to be a ‘Back up Recipient’. I wasn’t ok with this, I was doing it, I AM doing it because I am desperate.

I was on BBC Radio 4, ‘You and Yours’ earlier today (Click here to hear the programme) talking about a new report from the NHS Blood and Transplant Service finding that the number of people donating organs in the UK has fallen for the first time in a decade. Is the ‘opt out’ system Wales have adopted the way to go? Is it morally correct? I’m not sure what your thoughts are but either way please have the conversation with your family as soon as you can. Don’t leave your loved ones with the hard decision to make at a time that will be devastating to them. I for one would like to thank those who are on the register because for people like me it gives me hope. Hope that I and others like me will, one day enjoy life again.

You can register your details at the Organ Donation website https://www.organdonation.nhs.uk/register-to-donate/register-your-details/