Why would any body want to stick big needles into themselves three times a week and be sat still for up to four hours at a time? Well for me it was easy, I didn’t like the thought of having a plastic tube coming out of my stomach and to have to have my sleep interrupted. Yes, I’m sure I’d get used to the noise, yes the tube can be hidden and yes it’s very discreet but my sleep is important and when you take your clothes off the tube is still going to be there and that’s something I couldn’t get my head around.

It sounds really vain and to be honest Dave (my fistula – access point for my needles) isn’t the nicest looking thing but as a woman who still wants to feel good when she takes her clothes off, peritoneal dialysis (PD) wasn’t for me. At least in the throws of passion I can move my arm out of the way, the alternative would surely get in the way?!?

My decision wasn’t purely based on the fact I wanted to remain sexually attractive, (and I’m not saying that you can’t be on PD but I didn’t feel I could) there were other factors such as, haemodialysis (HD) through my arm meant I could detach it from being a part of my body and condemn it to being reserved for dialysis. Going through your stomach, as they do with PD meant invading a space that is at the centre of your body, quite literally but it’s also sensitive. A place you don’t just show off (unless you’re a member of a 90’s girl group then it’s obligatory), it’s a reserved area and although I don’t go shoving my arm in people’s faces I felt it was more acceptable to relinquish my arm over my stomach.

I spent a lot of time meticulously listing the pros and cons for both HD and PD and met a lovely lady who showed me her PD tube and told me all about the benefits of going down the PD route. She hid it well and looked great but I couldn’t get past having a tube sticking  half in/half out of me. I did a lot of research, which would best take out the toxins that my failing kidneys aren’t able to, which would give me more freedom and which had the lowest rate of infection. There is a lot of information on the internet (here’s a good link http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Dialysis/Pages/Advantages-and-disadvantages.aspx ) and the hospital Pre Dialysis Team shared with me all the benefits and disadvantages of both and I was very pleased when my vanity wasn’t questioned but actually understood. Don’t you find that medical professionals often forget that we are human? That we have real feelings and that our bodies aren’t just there to function without emotion? However, in this case they truly did understand, a very pleasant reprieve.

Before deciding I visited the haemodialysis ward and surprisingly I wasn’t too overwhelmed by it all. Being a diabetic for many years means I have seen my fair share of hospitals so I could see that this environment for me, was do-able. I could however see that for others it could be a little daunting. Each bay has a machine, a bed and lots of tubes which are connected to the patient. There’s no privacy and the machines make a low humming noise as it sucks the blood out of the patients, whizzes it through a filter then pushes it back in. Fascinating to watch and amazing when you think of what it’s actually doing. The wards are calm and the patients, those that were awake, sat and watched the world go by, their lives on hold for four hours. It seemed pleasant enough, no one was crying in agony, there was no blood flying around everywhere, no one pleading with me to make a different choice. Nope, they all looked pretty chilled and all made better by the tea trolley which handed out free biscuits as well as hot tea. My kind of place!

On the day my Consultant called me to say I needed to start HD I was a little shocked. Even though my symptoms were mounting up, I knew it was the right thing to do and I was certain HD for me, it still felt like kidney disease was winning.  I knew people who had kidneys that weren’t functioning as well as mine and weren’t on dialysis yet, it didn’t seem fair. I started dialysis a week later…

Many months on and I’m sure I made the right choice for me but when I look at Dave (my fistula) I have my doubts. He will be with me forever yet those on PD will have nothing so obviously visible bar a small scar to haunt them. When my needles don’t go in straight away I wonder if it would have been easier just to connect some tubes.  But, on my days off dialysis, when I roll over in bed and when I strip off butt naked I’m sure I have.

For those having to make the choice, haemo and peritoneal dialysis aren’t easy and both have their own benefits. It’s a personal decision, one of which only you can make. It’s important to take time to read all the info you’re given and see first hand how they both work. Once that’s done then go with your heart. After all it’s you that has to deal with it day in, day out. It’s you that will chose your battle scars and it’s you who will have to convince those voices in your head that you’ve made the right choice. Questioning your decision will be normal, it’s human nature. We are never fully satisfied that we can make the right choice when a decision is based (partially) on ‘how we feel’. I find talking to my cats help (failing that the Access Nurses are helpful) but that’s another story all together!